[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner