Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
This was a bad idea all around
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.