I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Hotels are back
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.