The happy life.. 😊
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?