ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Is….Is this an option?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot