[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
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Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Feels
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
reminder
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.