Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
This trial is so absurd 😭
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.