“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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channeling her this year
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Bit chilly again tonight.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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