Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”