[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
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Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.