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People:
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit