[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Saw online –
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.