[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
You Might Also Like
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
#NoRestForTheWicked
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.