When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
This a good idea
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*