[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
LA today:
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.