I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
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WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.