WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
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[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Finally!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.