waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
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I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Help Wanted
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.