My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Accurate
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
channeling her this year