A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
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I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”