You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard