My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
he was correct
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays