If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*