a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!