A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
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The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]