<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
welp
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning