First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
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You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)