Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Now this is how you LinkedIn