Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
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Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”