How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.