Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Seek kebab; not attention