*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Lmao the reply
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
went fishing caught a bass
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?