Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
#TopTip
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.