I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
who will stop them
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.