Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
crochet youtube is brutal
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”