If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
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[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*