My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
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I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
incredible text to wake up to
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Beauty and the Beast
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
It was worth a shot 😂
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.