Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.