My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.