Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
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It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad