(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.