healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
This is a whole mood;
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.