Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
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Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*