My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
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‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.