[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
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*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.