Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
This kid will have a bright future.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo