Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
That earthquake could have been an email.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.