Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
True?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
let’s discuss
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking