Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The struggle is real.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did