[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
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You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason